Friday, August 22, 2008

Reginald and the Food Larceny

I sometimes forget stories over time. I thought it might be a good idea to write a few of my favorites down. Here is one I was recently reminded of.

On evening, sophomore year of college(I think), I was planning to take the bus up to Boston to visit my dad who was at a conference. I got to the dining hall at 7:20, a good 10 minutes prior to closing. Pfew. They swiped my card. When I got to the food area, it had all been taken away. Damn. All that was left was the cake. I figured I'd spent $9 or so of meal credit, and that i'd need to eat roughly a whole cake to get my money's worth but didn't have the time. Just then, I ran into my friend AG (who was dining with BF). I asked him if he'd be so kind as to walk towards the door, on the side of the building that he and several friends lived on. As he went I scooped up a cake and walked on his other side so as to avoid detection. As AG realized the scheme, he sped up. So did I, not wanting to lose the human shield. A few steps later we were safely in Marcy House, where Ari lived. We invited IC and enjoyed the cake mightily. We had evaded detection but nonetheless we were all still nervous (as dorky Jews get when they break rules) and hadn't yet seen our heart rates return to normal levels.

I hopped on a Bonanza Bus to Boston. En route I got bored of reading and made a few calls. The first was to AG.

"Hello ___. This is Reginald from University Food Services Quality Control. I understand you were involved in a food larceny. If you were coerced into involvement and I can help you with reduced scrutiny if you cooperate fully. If not, this will no minor issue. Please contact me at 401-863-1000"

Then I had a very pleasant meal with my Aba.

I didn't know it at the time, but AG didn't get the message until 3AM when he returned to his room. As is typical of college students returning to their rooms he wasn't in the crispest state of mind due to several factors none of which is fit for public discussion and all of which could be referred to as youthful indiscretions.

Upon hearing this message, his mind raced and he became very concerned. Would this go in his permanent record? Would deans be involved? Would his parents be notified? Would he be thrown out of school?

AG woke up BF saying "hey man. you know i didn't know what was going on, right? You'll testify to that, right? This was totally on Zach. You're with me? RIGHT?"

He called the number given, (401) 863-1000 which, incidentally, is the main university switchboard. "Hey this is AG. I'm calling for Reginald from University Food Services Quality Control. Hey Reginald, I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you, i was at a party. If I'd known there was an investigation I totally would have gone straight there. I just didn't know. Believe me, I take this kind of thing very seriously. I will cooperate. I was coerced. I'll name names. Tell me what I have to do to set this right. What sort of trouble am I in? Again, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I'll cooperate this is ____. You can call me back at ________."

That first call was at 4AM late Saturday night/Sunday morning.

He then called again a few hours later around 8:30AM on Sunday morning.

"This is ________ calling for Reginald from University Food Services Quality Control. Reginald,I haven't heard back from you, but just wanted to reiterate my offer to cooperate fully. I will name names. Please contact me at your earliest convenience using this number ________."

Upon my return early Sunday afternoon, I was tipped off that AG bought the whole thing, to a shocking degree, mostly because of the luck of when he returned home and his state of mind at that moment.

AG: Zach, did you get any messages.
ZT: Um, haven't checked since I left for Boston. Why?
AG: Well. Uh. Here (hands phone).
ZT: (dialing), oh yeah, I did get one.
AG: Man, I bet it's Reginald. Man, We are soooo fucked.
ZT: It's some guy from food something or another.
AG: They got us man. We're fucked. What are we going to do? This all your fault you fuckin' idiot.
ZT: He wants to know why you are so gullible.
AG: (attacks ZT--minor, generally playful, brawling ensues)

I never did find out who picked up those messages or what the university operator thought when she listened to them that Monday morning.



At 8/27/2008 , Blogger bpt said...

You are soooooooooooo bad!


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